Authentic vs. Imposter

I don’t talk much in detail here about the people in my life, but I need to open this post by saying I know I’m blessed. I have some of the best people possible surrounding me, cheering for me, supporting me. I have a good job with the very best co-workers, many of whom are dear friends. I have the most devoted (read: clingy, neurotic, riddled with separation anxiety) dog, and life is good.

One night last month, I had one of those sweet, simple and yet so impactful nights that I know I’ll remember for the rest of my life. A friend coordinated a get-together, and four of us whose lives intersected through the Junior League but have stayed entwined through cross-country moves (and thankfully, back again!), seven children, my divorce, and more, sat down and picked up as though there had been no pandemic, no years since we all laughed together. (I’m pretty sure the last time we were together was the baby shower we hosted for the first of the group to have a baby, probably about five years ago?)

I hope each of you has a tribe like that, or at least one friend with whom time and distance don’t exist, where conversations flow as though you’d just clinked glasses together the day before, NO MATTER WHAT.

… which brings me to the meat of this soul-barring confession…

My name is Chan and I am an imposter.

… and those brilliant, strong, beautiful ladies knew it all along and loved me anyway. Each of them tried to love me towards being authentic in her own way, but ironically, it took a pandemic and the isolation that came with it, our busy lives and all of the other circumstances that led me to being able to look them in the eyes and admit that I’ve spent my ENTIRE LIFE trying to be what I thought I was supposed to be in that moment, for this person or that one, for this role/job or another…

I was proud of being a chameleon, and I actually said so out loud many times. I NEVER stopped to question my logic, or to wonder if I could just be me and see what happened.

Honestly, it began before I have any recollection of being aware of my behaviors. I had to be on my best manners for this person, so she’d give me presents. (Literally… one of my few memories of her was of a post-toddler-nap moment when she rather succinctly explained that if I couldn’t be a happy, grateful little girl, I could give the toy she’d just given me back and go home.) Then, I was told I couldn’t pursue tennis as a passion because it required someone else to play with me. Then, yet another nurturer told me I couldn’t major in music in college because it would lead to frustration (as so few make it as professional oboists) and I didn’t want to be stuck being a music teacher.

I can go on and on, but my point isn’t to blame any of these people; I just want to know why it took me 52 years to realize I’m perfectly good the way I am and I don’t have to try to be what ANYONE else thinks I should be, or most specifically, I SHOULD NOT try to be what I THINK someone else wants me to be!

Impostor syndrome and the idea of being authentic are getting a lot of press right now, but this is hardly a 21st century issue. We’re watching Reign on Netflix, and certainly the characters depicted within were not afforded the privilege of pursuing what made them happy, fulfilled, etc. Nor is it uniquely an issue for females; people pleasers come in all shapes, sizes and costumes. I don’t think anyone in my life intended for me to make a life out of trying to guess what someone else thought I should be and doing my best to become it, but that’s just what I’ve done.

What’s most difficult for me to talk about, what I’m still very much working on, is how this all relates to my self-confidence. Up until very recently, I and most people who know me, would say I’m a very confident person. But the truth is, confidence is just one of the many costumes I’ve learned to wear well. I appear confident and self assured when I am feel I’m doing a good job in the role/image I’m projecting, when the people I am trying to please are pleased.

So tell me… what is one thing that is authentically you?

Plant based?

Edited to add… I thought this posted several weeks ago. (Read: at least 6 weeks ago?)

I’ve started so many posts, here and in my head. I know writing is a great release for me, and yet I don’t prioritize it… but that’s for another day.

I try to avoid the diet scene, especially after my failed efforts at even the modified Whole 30. (What’s the name of the version that allows beans?) If you don’t recall or weren’t around, basically I didn’t manage to get what I needed nutritionally from my not-meal-prepping effort, and I rather literally collapsed in the gym with a really heavy bar on my back. (Three cheers for the amazing trainer whose strength and attention saved the day!)

I knew better; I have a metabolic challenge (I’ve used the word “disorder” in the past but it’s not clearly defined and yet is quite manageable), and I know what my body likes/needs, and yet… I allowed myself to get caught up in trying a trendy thing that worked for my friends, even against my better judgment. It’s simple; my body NEEDS a lot of protein, a lot of fiber, water and very little sugar and/or “white things.” My body LOVES beans and legumes, doesn’t mind dairy, etc. There was no reason for me to jump on the bandwagon, but I did anyway.

So, I hate to say I’m eating more plant based now, because that’s a trend too, right? But my primary care provider (aka: nurse practitioner) gave me one more chance to lower my LDL cholesterol (hello, double-sided genetic whammy) and suggested just ONE plant based meal a week.

I agreed, and then got in my head. That’s like a diet, right? And we said we weren’t doing that again, right?

It’s not that hard. Most of my already fairly healthy recipes do quite well swapping beans (black are my favorites, but white works too) for ground turkey. Much to this descended from dairy farmers girl’s surprise, I often don’t miss the cheese when I leave it out. I add ground flax seeds to things when I can (it doesn’t work in smoothies), and I’m hoping the next round of blood work will be favorable.

Are you interested in my altered recipes?

21.2

Humbling is thinking you’re fit and strong and doing a workout of the day and discovering you have PLENTY of room for improvement.

Disclaimer: I don’t speak Crossfit. The only reason I know to call what I just did 21.2 is because CVG’s Instagram feed told me to. I happen to know how to do dumbbell snatches because I spent 3 years in a great gym, but I had to turn to YouTube to figure burpee box jump overs. (Hint: burpee + box jump ain’t quite it. Again, I’ve done something similar, but my gym was no Crossfit gym.)

Empowering is making what you have work for you – and work you HARD. I don’t have heavy dumbbells at home, so I scaled down by more than half, which honestly, wasn’t ideal. I’m not going to be so bold as to say I could have pushed through with a 35# instead of a 15#, but… instead of saying “I don’t have the right equipment so I can’t do it” I modified and I assure you, I still got a great workout. I don’t have a box for box jumps, but ironically, I’d just whined about this to my guy, and he – King of adapt and blow them away anyway – pointed out that the two stumps in the yard are roughly level and roughly small box, big box sizes.

So, after roughly a year of no box jumps, I started on soft, mossy ground (read: unlevel), and did it anyway. I still want heavier dumbbells, and I still want the sweet, dense foam boxes I once knew… but I can make do and sweat heavily without them.

As always, my faithful cheerleader kept me company, even if she thought it was weird. She also enjoyed looking for her lizard friends (too soon, sweet girl) and chasing squirrels, which she can’t do in a gym. Pros and cons…

What are you making excuses to avoid?

No More Yeah, But…

Do you listen to podcasts? I’ve had to work hard at being able to say I do, and all the ones I subscribe to are fitness-oriented. But right now, I’m binge-listening to Thick Thighs Save Lives, from episode 1 to date.

Firstly, as a gal who has battled “strong thighs” since maybe before I could walk, how could I not subscribe to that one?! I used to blame – yes, BLAME – my athletic legs on my father putting me on a horse before I could walk. Really, it’s genetic, and I’m going to point to my paternal side because all the women on Mom’s side have longer, leaner legs than I EVER could. I don’t know where these densely muscled legs came from, but I love them.

This is also a find your tribe and love them hard shout-out. There are so many strong women, and a few men, who are my tribe or have been pivotal in my fitness journey over the years. But CVG – Constantly Varied Gear – does community like no one else. They have expertise, candor and a business plan that should be the envy of all. I came for the leggings – they really are the best out there – and am digging in deeper because of their Facebook Group, but this reluctant podcast listener is hooked.

I have an amazing tribe and I’ve been blessed with very talented coaches, but good grief I wish I could go back in time and have had these women and their empowered candor years – YEARS! – ago. I knew 20+ years ago when the first doctor told me even yoga was too dangerous for me that not moving wasn’t going to help me recover from my nerve damage and back injuries, but no one else was giving me movement advice. For YEARS, I’ve plodded along, trying to find someone who didn’t seem to be giving me bad advice in the name of medical expertise. I’m supremely grateful for the gym and coaches who got me back into fitness as a way of life, who eased me into lifting again, but over a year ago, I knew they weren’t the forever answer for me.

I kept hearing buzz words that made sense, but couldn’t quite find the right TRULY functional fitness programming for me. That’s another story for another day, but in the past week, I’ve realized that despite my generally good disposition and my life-long experience in sports/fitness, I’ve never addressed or trained the biggest part of the process – my mind.

All the way back to ice skating, I’ve excused any compliments and brushed off all success with some variation of “yeah, but…”

Let’s avoid the time machine and just look at the one, shining, beautiful, huge gold medal from my first powerlifting meet. Last I knew, I am still a state record holder, and yet, I wave off any and all recognition of my performance that day with “Yeah, but I was the only one in my age/weight class!” True, but the fact that one or two of those records stood for a couple of years means it wasn’t all the good fortune of being the only one in that class that day. And you know what?! Even if that was the ONLY reason I won, it doesn’t diminish my efforts or results.

I think a lot of us, especially as women, were taught – directly or not – that pride is all bad and that humility is all good. There’s a meme one of my friends and I share with each other every time we see it… because it’s so very true. There are countless studies and references that illustrate that certain traits are admired in male leaders/bosses and condemned in women in the same roles. That’s also a topic for another day, but what I do want to address is the power – as in empowered – that comes from success in athletics or anywhere.

When we feel strong – physically, mentally, spiritually, etc. – we carry ourselves differently, but it’s bigger than that. “Yeah, but…” is part of an old regime I no longer want to embrace. It diminishes the compliment someone is trying to give me. It dismisses my own accomplishments. It may discourage someone observing the whole mess, who thought “If she could do it, maybe I could too?” but after I make excuses for why it isn’t a big deal, why would she feel inspired?! We never really know who is watching, who is listening, who is reading.

It’s more than okay to be admired, to be an inspiration. Each and every one of us does more than one thing well enough that we can show someone else how to do it, and we owe it to the world to share our strengths. Everyone can smile, a real smile that lights up her eyes. Sometimes it really is that simple.

Ripples

Most of you have heard me say that in 1989, I had no real understanding of my role as a barrier-breaking, trail-blazing, glass ceiling breaker. I was just a well-supported girl chasing her dream. It was easy for me.

Yes. I said it; IT WAS EASY FOR ME. This is my story, and I have to own the support, the doors that were opened for me. I was a daughter of fortune; my father was a legend in the fire service, so much so one snarky recruit school colleague dubbed him “The Legend” because frankly, even I tired of EVERY SINGLE instructor and/or seasoned firefighter who just poked his head in, all asking how Scotty was and asking me to give him their best. I am white, well-educated, and my father and his friends made sure I was set up for success.

Sure, I had hecklers and hazing, but it was extremely mild and I won’t pretend I was scarred for life by wearing men’s gear, uniforms, boots, etc. I didn’t have to fight for anything, and at the risk of sounding smug, before I left my career as a firefighter, even the hecklers had come to respect me. It’s only in looking back that I truly understand that I was a pioneer, and that no matter how easy my trail, I was at the front of a huge change in society, in the fire service, in how the world views old stereotypes and gender-biased professional roles.

I’m reading an advance copy of Molly Galbraith’s Strong Women Lift Each Other Up. It’s good stuff, and she talks a lot about the ripple effect. When we buy coffee from a woman-owned coffee shop, there’s more impact than meets the eye. When you compliment or encourage another woman, the good will spreads far beyond that moment and that person. Not only is it polite to hold the door open for the person behind you, it makes you a better person too, whether they smile or acknowledge you or not.

That’s the thing about ripples… you don’t necessarily know when you are making one.

I’m glad this post sat for a few days, because I’ve had two significant ripple moments since I unintentionally abandoned the start of this draft. I have one of those jobs where I know my friends and family only ask how work is now if they truly care, because we all know I’m going to say it’s been a brutal week, things are still crazy, etc. The truth is though, I love my job. I work for a great company – and yeah, I complain anyway – and I work with and for sincerely GOOD people, who inspire me, who make me laugh, who make me a better person.

Ripple one:

Big boss stopped at my desk and exchanged pleasantries on his way to another part of the building. I asked about the training he’d mentioned at our last chat (he was out of town for several days for said training), and somehow from there, he also tossed out a “Thank you for always being upbeat; it doesn’t go unnoticed.”

So yeah, I’m re-committed to being positive, especially when it’s not easy to do so. Maybe he said that to inspire me to do better, but while I don’t know him well, I believe he speaks his truths, and … I shall endeavor to be upbeat, even when we’re having the 83rd Monday in a row.

Ripple two:

This one really is a HUGE ripple. There’s a guy at work I really and truly begged his supervisor to fire for about a year. Just in case, I won’t share too much of his story, but our manager kept believing in the guy and saying so, and somehow, one day several months ago, I found myself defending the guy. There’s a ton of story in between, with tough love – as the guy calls it – and lots more story. But we’ve turned a page; turns out he’s always respected me and knew/knows I just want him to be the better man he’s becoming. He’s now in a VERY elite club of co-workers who can actually show me recipes and ask me to bake whatever they’re requesting.

That’s not the BIG ripple though, nor is the fact that I not only tolerate him calling me “Mama Chan” but I’ve come to like it. The big ripple came on Saturday. We work in different buildings, so the first time we crossed paths, he shouted out for me to “come over;” he had something for me. Curiosity got the best of me, so it wasn’t long before I went over. He had a 7-11 bearclaw for me, and honestly, it’s the second-best bearclaw I’ve ever had. See, one day last week, we found ourselves talking about local eateries, and we both mourned the loss of Spudnuts and the first and only bearclaws I’ve ever liked.

He listened, and he shared what he’s found to be the closest replacement, complete with instructions to heat it in the microwave for 8-10 seconds. Aren’t those the best gifts?! When a present means something to both the giver and the recipient, it’s truly special. And a great gift that warms at least two hearts (it was huge; I shared) is a very big ripple.

And here’s how ripples work… hopefully, something I’ve written will resonate with one of you, and you’ll say something/do something that will touch a heart or improve a life…

Midnight… Dream

Call me weird, but I love a good Zoom book club. I left video off (and am always on mute) until I finished my late lunch, and there were no fewer than three dogs and perhaps one cat present at one point or another. Gretchen and Knox can sometimes tolerate each other, but it didn’t matter, because… Zoom. And while I’d NEVER go to a “live” book club immediately post-workout, I did just that with Zoom. My hair was pulled back, I probably stink, but I got to see four of my favorites and “meet” a couple of friends of a friend, the discussion flowed well, and thanks to the click of the host’s finger, no one stayed too long.

(If you’re interested, let me know and I’ll add you to the group on Facebook.)

Our first read was The Midnight Library by Matt Haig. I highly recommend it. It’s a quick read, but I wouldn’t call it light. It caused us all to think, and was great for discussions on regrets, choices and more. Out of respect to the times we live in, I will offer the warning the book did not and share that suicide is a key part of the book. Book two hasn’t been announced yet.

My second book of the year wasn’t fluffy either, but it was a pleasant read. It Began with a Dream by Dr. Glady B. West is an autobiography about a local (ish) hidden figure. I learned of the book from my aunt, whose life intersected with Dr. West’s because their children attended the same schools. It’s sobering to realize that when my mother (and her sister, and Dr. West) was born, society was segregated. Women didn’t necessarily pursue higher education (but those three did), and pay – opportunities for advancement and more – was far from equal when the women did work in their chosen fields. I am blessed that I was raised in a home where racial and gender equality were the norm, and I marvel at how ignorant I was of the world around me. I stand in awe of women like Dr. West who broke those barriers with grace and poise, but there is still so much work to do. And let’s be honest; I admire anyone who works in STEM, because those are not my strengths. I did okay in math and science, but there’s more than a little irony in those fire science classes on my college transcripts.

I’m currently reading a very fluffy cozy called Peach Pies and Alibis by Ellery Adams, with the most darling Jack Russell named Charleston Chew on the cover. Sometimes I need a change of pace, and a little paperback that fits in my handbag.

What are you reading? Do you mix it up or do you tend to stick with one genre?

For the record, I’m not much on peach pies, or any fruit pie. I do love pies, but my favorites are pumpkin, pecan, chocolate chess… Full disclosure? I just don’t eat a lot of fruit. I can manage a bit of chopped apple in my oatmeal or some sliced banana on my peanut butter sandwich, but I go for veggies over fruit just about every time.

Where do you stand on pies and fruit? I’d love some ideas on how to sneak more fruit into my daily diet.

Soar

This is at least the third time I’ve sat down to get this post… posted.

Who knew how appropriate Resilient was as my word of the year last year when I chose it?! Honestly, 2020 wasn’t the worst year for me. I’m an introvert (really – there’s a whole class of us who present as extroverts, but I am truly content without groups) with a stable, “essential” job, and my work family is amazing. My work family includes some of my besties, and we have gotten even closer and better about supporting each other this year.

The worst of it for me was not being able to take Gretchen into the vet’s when she was sick, but again, my vets and their staff are also the best. Baby girl and I both lived through it, she got better, and we’ve added a urinary tract supplement to her pharmacopeia. My work family was remarkable through that little mess too.

I missed a lot. I hate to even mention that I didn’t pay off my debt as planned, but my financial planner laughed at me and said not adding to my debt was a win for 2020. I miss heavy lifting and running, but my body isn’t feeling either activity right now. I’m annoyed that I didn’t get Christmas cards out again in 2020, and that I didn’t make big strides in my decluttering (until this past week), but compared to what some have missed, I can’t complain.

So with a hopeful heart, my word for 2021 is soar. I don’t really have a great explanation. It’s on my heart and came up when I did the My Intent quiz. I’m already doing two things I know I need to do to move onward and upward; I’m writing (here and now) and reading. I finished The Midnight Library for my book club, and now I’m reading It Began With A Dream.

Do you have resolutions? A word for the year? Hopes? Dreams? Right now, I know hope is driving the bus for me. Current events are pretty intense, and while I love my job, I’m ready for some smooth sailing without all of the challenges and curve balls we’ve had thrown our way.

What makes it Christmas?

It’s beginning to feel a bit like Christmas…

This year, a lot of holiday traditions (and routine life things!) are out the window, so I’m focusing on what makes it feel like Christmas for me. I whittled my gift-giving and card sending lists down several years ago, and the divorce cropped them even more. In fact, there are precious few folks I *HAVE* to give to, and the ones I choose to give to are very much the type of folks who appreciate thoughtful, personal gifts.

So, cards, sending and receiving, are a big part of the season for me. I don’t do a year in review letter, and it’s been years since I’ve done a truly reflective year-end blog post too, but I love getting them from my friends. Not everyone is on Facebook, and even those who are, well… things get missed and it’s nice to catch up.

I like to look at lights, but don’t do much at my own house outside. Most years I do a fresh wreath on both doors, but so far that hasn’t happened either.

I bake. And I bake. Friends and family expect fudge and know that other things might show up, and some make requests. I enjoy it. I don’t eat 99% of what I make, but the feedback suggests that my lack of taste-testing is hardly a problem.

But my favorite Christmas routine and what makes it really feel special is my tree. Most of my ornaments are old and have history. I cry, I remember and I love every minute of decorating the tree. I wish I could have a fresh tree, but the former firefighter in me just can’t do it; it’s such a fire hazards!

Maybe I’ll pop in throughout the month and share some of my favorite ornaments and recipes. We can start with the decadent German Chocolate Cupcakes I made yesterday… They are a bit time consuming, with three separate components, but I’ve made them twice and my co-workers offer high praise. In fact, one whose last day was Friday reminded me that his birthday is next week… (No. That’s not how this works, but I’m flattered that he enjoyed them that much.) I’m a good baker, but I’m no decorator, and my usual crowd doesn’t care what they look like!

What are your favorite Christmas traditions? Recipes?

Small Business Sundries

Small Business Saturday was yesterday, but it’s never too late to shout out for great small businesses. Here are some of my favorites:

Backporch Vineyard – This is Virginia’s best new winery! Yes, I’m biased, but I’m also quite familiar with lots of great Virginia wines and vineyards, and my amazing cousin and her business partners knocked it out of the park. They have a wine for everyone, and I thought I had a favorite, but the more I drink… I love them all, truly. However, I’m going to shout out to the chardonnay, because Andrea’s Flock supports ALS research. Please click over and learn more, and follow Backporch on Facebook too for their foodtruck schedule and more.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that I’ve found my apron again, as in my Pampered Chef Consultant’s apron! You can shop my personal website here, or follow my Facebook business page here. The air fryer is my current favorite, new item. As usual, I’m late to the party, but wow! Hand-cut sweet potato fries are my jam, but I want to know what your favorite air fryer recipes are.

Oh – and dishwasher-safe cast iron is pretty awesome, and pretty too. Clean-up is my least favorite part of cooking, so being able to just shove it in the dishwasher is a huge plus!

Perhaps my all-time favorite small business is Erin McDermott Jewelry. Erin makes each piece by hand, and I can’t even count how many pieces I have! I have earrings galore, necklaces in every type she makes, bracelets…

Can you imagine running a bed and breakfast during a pandemic? My dear friend and her husband are doing just that. Please follow them on Facebook for recipe ideas and more, and consider snagging a gift certificate if you aren’t traveling right now. I’m going to see if there’s still time for her to whip up a few Christmas masks for me too; she’s not only an innkeeper, but she’s quite a seamstress too!

What are your favorite small businesses?

Always the fur-girls

There are just some blocks on the calendar that are bittersweet, and no matter how I plan to focus on the sweet, it’s tough.

On October 24, Missy Sissy, Queenie, DIVA and so much more, would have been 13 years old. Gretchen and I have lived more than two years without her, and they have been challenging, rewarding, well-lived days. Neither of us are spring chickens, but we’re still going and growing!

The day before that, we celebrated Gg’s Gotcha’ day. For twelve years, that cute little imp and I have been together. She’s a curious mix of courage and anxiety, clingy and independent, and I love watching her continue to evolve and enjoy life. We can’t remember Gretchen’s arrival without honoring her remarkable big sister, who didn’t mind at all that her first birthday present was a puppy.

Yes, I would have loved more time with Sissy, but she lived the life she had with a gusto I still can’t begin to reproduce. Life was a party. She loved big, and never let anything slow her down… until the very end. Even when she hurt and just living was hard, she made sure her pack knew how deeply she loved us.

Somehow, she loved little Gg so well that when we were certain she wouldn’t make it without Sissy, the little one came into her own and is happier, sassier and yappier than ever before. Thank you, Sis-ma.

It’s more than ironic that the day after the 13th anniversary of her birth, I had my first above average eye pressure readings. After multiple re-checks, they settled down, but I can honestly say I was never worried; after almost 8 years with Sissy and her glaucoma routine, I know it’s manageable if it becomes an issue.

Thank you Sissy, for everything you taught me. You were such a strong spirit, and you loved as you lived, with no regrets, no fears. Gretchen and I are better, stronger, kinder, wiser, because you loved us.

Chanpagne

Un-settled and bubbling through life

Author: Of Pups n Pearls